Monday, January 28, 2008

how people find you

i like to go into site meter and see how strangers find me. like if they google a term such as "practically perfect" my blog pops up somewhere on that list and gives a link.

so i've been a high ranker on "e-cards starring you", "fake handbags", "gianni banini", "meg nie" you know somewhat normal things.....

last month i saw someone got to my site by googling "fake baby" (ewww that's nice). but today i had to mention what you can google and i will be NUMBER one on the list: pig crap

that's right. i have cornered the pig crap market. i couldn't be prouder.

pig crap.


to cut to the chase, there is just one little peanut in my belly.

"my" due date is one day off from the ultrasound, that means i'm a total genius. probably.

i would post the ultrasound pictures, but that means i would have to go into the messiest room in the house and find the scanner and the cord and then figure out where to go from there. so instead, the widget to the side is exactly like the grainy black and white ultrasound pix.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

missed, but now with his sweetheart

"Love is the very essence of life."

Gordon B. Hinckley 1910-2008

blind item

what hilariously hot group of cousins and sisters met here on Saturday night?

7 in total (two were missing and were missed greatly). no the paparazzi did not spot them, however fans did stop by to gush (we love you too Scarlet and Molly).

they slowly devoured two pizzas, and dessert was picked up by a lovely young lady with connections. our source can't be quoted on exact conversations but topics included:
Ez-e's fabulous hair
k's tutu
kids that act like dogs
dogs that think they are kids
accidentally hitting a cat with a car
running over a snake
accidentally also hitting a dog
possibly taking out a man with a mullet and an elephant
the twilight series/ EDWARD
good books
Wednesday dressed as hello kitty
pregnancy that causes eating an entire large pizza alone
running 10 miles in the morning and participating in a half marathon next sat- great cause
woodpeckers down your shirt
dislike for birds in general

there was much more but can not be commented on due to "what happens at the table, stays at the table"

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

in the wake of heath ledger

i wonder what Britney will do to one up him. i know it's morbid, but if she isn't the number one story (jamie lyn's pregnancy) she has to out do it (taking child hostage followed by suicide watch and dr. phil).

i'm just saying.

Monday, January 21, 2008

this will be painfully boring, don't say i didn't warn you - slowly turn around and hit the back button before you read too much

although i'm tired i can't seem to sleep at night. but i'm not the only one.

Jocie has kept us on our toes for the last 3 or 4 days now. she is boycotting sleep and eating, little manic if you ask me. when she does sleep she wakes up often, crying yelling no and not coherent. i don't want to use the word "possessed" but honestly i don't know any other way to describe these bouts. well she did eat dinner tonight, finally, and she went down like a champ.... so maybe... fingers crossed.

i'm feeling like a human again, but can't seem to leave my bed. i'm staring at loads of laundry, dirty and clean. ya, christmas decorations are still up - but we took down the tree this weekend, gosh. when is this writers strike gonna be over? does kendra on the girls next door bother ANYONE as much as she bothers me? i wish someone would throw something in her mouth when she laughs that irritating laugh and she would choke on it? i can't believe holly hasn't put a hit out on her yet.

as i sit here and eat day old clearance cake from the grocery store i wonder: are there any adults that like sprinkles on their cake? i know they don't taste, but come on they are still yucky. ug, i ate too much cake. baby likey though.

after work on sat we (yes with Dave!) went to matt matt's birthday party, transformer themed - who could ask for anything more? and then we took dave's sister char and niece courtenay out for dinner to celebrate char's birthday. take a guess which part jocie was more pleasant for...

we watched the first season of arrested development this weekend, dang that show rocked!

family dinner last night was fun, curt was nice, rachel who is ready to have that baby any minute was treated to a foot massage and pedicure by my sisters, austin finally brought his "girl"friend to meet us, and chad 1's parents from Montana were there. it was loud, lots of food, pazzooki for dessert, and only minor head injuries to matt matt that involved neosporin so "he didn't scar". all in all, pretty successful night. my poor dad blew his knee out this week, it sucks to watch your dad who really is perfect in every way as well as my idol get around with a crutch. i hope he will heal fast. i think my mom is getting into the movie slide show business... she can come up with a dvd slide show set to music at a moments notice, matt's birthday slide show was fun - the kids laughed like hyenas all the way through.

i think that brings me to the end of my journaling. i warned you not to read it.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

if i was in charge of the national department of chain letters

sending ONE would be punishable by brutal work camps or death.

genius! oh wait, what could possibly be the gain of this? NOTHING that's what. it is stupid and for the life of me i can't imagine why these were started, sent and still exist. when you get a forward from a friend and it clearly gives you the choice of "send it back to me to show you care" or "if you ignore it i will know you checked your email and hate me" ... what the crap??? i guess i hate you, i can't hit reply.

does a true friend send you a chain letter? (ponder that while i blow your mind again)

ok so "paper" chain letters are illegal to send (it said on google), "electronic" chain letters are an enormous waste of space and time, so where do we go from here?

PHONE TEXT CHAIN LETTERS! are you freakin kidding me? OH NO, they are real and do you know how many i have received? Way too many. just because you are on someones phone list does not mean you want crude pictures of santa clause, to be likened to some friendship poem crap, or sent "are you smarter than a fifth grader" questions at 6:30 in the morning on a Saturday. (i'm sorry if you are one of these people, i just can't hide behind the shame anymore)

i know there are greater causes in 2008 like ending breast cancer, peace in the middle east, britney getting her life back together, world hunger to name a few. i would like to make a stand here and now:

"i vow to never ever read and forward/reply to a chain letter ever again and if i do i shall be smitten to my death by an ironic yet literal 2 billion pound chain."

please make the vow with me by commenting your support of this plague we face daily. together we can beat stupid people at their own game!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

answers to your burning questions....

drugs are good! i have felt so much better since taking the new pills. yes, they are the anti-nausea pills for chemotherapy patients, which makes me feel like a total loser. but at least i'm a less nauseous loser!!

due date discrepancy: it really depends on how much info you want here... my last cycle was September 13 which would make my due date like June. the kicker, i wasn't pregnant until months later, i have the tests to prove it. so basically based on weeks of test results negative to positive we (the internet) figures the due date as August 21.

multiplicity aka. quantity: when we have an ultrasound in 2 weeks there will be very little information because it's still too early to see much. pretty much just size and quantity. why mention quantity? well i mention because Dave is a twin and my mom is a twin.

the sex: not yet, but yes we will find out.... I HATE SURPRISES!!!!

tonights post was not supposed to be about me, i have adorable pics of jojo. however.... i can't find that stupid usb cord yet.

Monday, January 14, 2008

"Your Insurance Saved You: $637.89"

we had our first obgyn apt today. oh ya the whole fam was there, Dave and Jojo were there to cheer me on, even if i wasn't wearing pants. (by the way, Jocie has learned what boobies are and thoroughly enjoyed the breast exam. thanks kid, glad i can entertain.)

so the doctor who has been trying to help us get pregnant over the last two'ish years says "how are you doing". i just stared at him. i'm such a loser, "oh ya i'm finally pregnant and miserable every minute. now you are learning what my husband already knows, i don't know what i want but expect YOU to." OK well i didn't say that, but by the look on my face he read me like the sci-fi book that i am.

(picture angels singing in the background) "would you like me to prescribe something for the nausea?"

OH MY GOSH, it's like he actually knows what i do want.

he didn't argue with me either when i told him his due date was impossible and we were going with the one Dave and i figured out on the internet. (because as you know, it's a very credible source)

i just went to Walgreens to pick up this prescription that the doctor warned is expensive (with insurance $12 thank the Lord!): for the GENERIC and only 25 pills the retail price was $650.00 ..... is that insane to anyone else???

i don't know if it's psychosomatic or what, but i'm feeling a little less crappy as i write. it could just be the relief that we finally have insurance.



PS. we are scheduled for an ultrasound in 2 weeks to check the size (and quantity).

Sunday, January 13, 2008

memo to self

when i told dave tonight that i'm miserable and don't want to get pregnant again after this, his response was "you might want to write that down".

i said "ok, i know it wasn't easy last time, but i don't remember it being this bad. was is?"

he said "um... it was bad".

why in the world would this man agree to go through this again with me when he actually has a memory.

  • need to be a little harder on curt, since he thinks the "donkey thing" was a joke.

  • i should possibly look in the mirror before leaving the house. my sister is so sick of seeing me unshowered, with bedhead, in pajamas in public, and my motion sickness wrist bands that she has taken to calling me "owen wilson". oh, not popular movie star working owen wilson, the just got off "suicide watch owen".

figure out how my dad made that AWESOME chicken tonight for dinner

  • i also will post more this week. i can't say it will be non-pregnancy, non-celebrity crap, non-parenting a terrorist rambling, but i will post more. happy delurking week (i'm pretty sure it's over, but wanted to shout out to any lurkers.)

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

curt, you are an

too witty or snarky???

You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

nothing, absolutely nothing

a few things have been brought to my attention.

  1. i have become debbie downer. "i'm scared to even check your blog because it's so depressing" is i believe what curt said.

  2. my fans have missed me, and are thus worried that i have taken a "72 hour britney vacation".

let me reassure curt, that yes i will continue to blog as my mood allows. i know that my mix of meds and pregnancy will someday in the future work for the betterment of society. unfortunately that time is not here yet.

she looks so happy, i'm jeaslous inside

my dearest fans that worship (fear) my every move,

i won't lie, britney's actions have had some impact on me. although i am not in a state to enjoy the true value of Cheetos right now, have never smoked, drank coffee, or currently behind on my trailer park lot dues; i still feel i can relate with Ms. Spears.

lets cut the crap, she is imbalanced. i know the feeling.

but where we differ is: a 72 hour stay at a clean, supervised, food serving, toilet cleaning, non showering facility away from the kids? what the heck, how can you look that gift horse in the mouth? granted, if dr. phil walked into my hospital room a light would go on above my head "i'm either being punked, or my life may not be in a good place", either way i would send dr. whore out the door with a few words that would actually get me MORE TIME in this recreational get away.

why in the world am i talking about this? i will tell you, it's all i got without talking about nausea, lack of sleep, nausea, my kids relentless poopy diapers, abdomen tightness , pain-acidic hunger, and PREGNANCY BRAIN.

pregnancy brain is real: the parasite living inside you actually starts feeding off, not only the little information you had stored between your ears, but also sucks anything funny, sarcastic, witty and most of all snarky. gone, into my uterus. now tell me, what is this baby going to do with my google password and home phone number?

did i mention this parasite is the size of a grain of rice.

in closing let me say, Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Friday, January 4, 2008

p.i.g. - crap and derivatives thereof

WARNING: due to the word "crap" (which is illegal in most my readers households) this post is rated PG-13 minus 5 - so basically only for the 8 and up crowd:

(fill in your derivative here, whatever floats your ... well you know),

wikipedia states: Crap is a slang word meaning excrement. The word is used to mean not only excrement, but anything of low quality, or as a negative interjection. Note that this word can be considered a curse word, yet is considered mild enough that even a child may use it informally but some still might consider it to be minor profanity.
When not used literally it also may connote that something is inaccurate, of little factual substance, a lie, hype, or quackery. The word is used nearly interchangeably with "the s word" as the less offensive of the two. Still, some people find the word crap offensive, even if not intended to mean feces, and will use the minced oath "crud" instead.

today i made the statement "i feel like crap".

yes that's what this all stems from, also when i'm pregnant the act is nearly impossible -you start to see the irony.

so when you say "i feel like crap", does that mean:

you are squishy? stinky? hard to get out? free flowin? filled with corn? (sorry did i go too far?- i don't care because my 10 year old readers are snickering and think i'm cool)

or does "feeling like crap" mean the personal self esteem of said fecal matter. does crap not feel good about itself? does it think it lowly, or flushable?

if it is true that crap does have low self esteem i would like to go on record as being a fan. i mean i don't LIKE to change my kids diapers, but hey still, good job. i'm not gonna lie and say i haven't sent a picture message on my phone of a certain nephew who really impressed me with his abilities.
better out than in, isn't that what they say?
there is some poop to ponder on, and comment if you feel the vibe!
good luck to all my readers, that they may only feel like crap in the best sense of the word and always move regularly with the flow.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

pig: thursday's suggestion

thanks to my girl friday, Ashley, i did not have to go into work today! a million thanks to her!

so what did i do in our dirty house that is still decorated for christmas and looks like a halfway house for the homeless? glad you asked: i stayed in bed. i did get up for an hour and made breakfast, then when my wonderful husband suggested i had time to maybe take a shower..... i let him know there was only one thing i could do. go back to bed.

then at 3 when i heard the "nap fight" taking on a life of it's own, i got up to help lay down the law. kid down, checked email, read blogs =45 min. and again my adoring husband asks if i would like him to make me a bath?? (btw: he makes the best baths in the whole world!) my face goes pale and let him down by heading off to bed again.

i awake to dinner beeps and buzzers, well i should check this out. dinner is served, even the princess is eating - amazing! i finish and head to the closest recliner, again there is a bath offer. i literally can't get up. we watched "surf's up" and both us girls cuddled on daddy (he probably had to hold his breath), one of us hasn't showered since last year and the other had a poopy diaper that she swore she didn't. poor poor daddy.

princess in bed, whew. dave takes further discussion to the bathroom. i lay on bathroom floor, it is then again suggested that maybe i should take a shower, i concede.

i write to you as a clean and showered person. can i just say DANG- i forgot about the clumps of hair that fall out during pregnancy when you wash your hair.

"i did it"

(cute things kids say post/closest thing to a baby book anyone is getting - you know what this was originally intended for)

as i posted on Christmas eve, Jojo is now in a big girl bed. the beauty of it, she didn't know she had the option of getting out of said bed. she normally just yells till "dammy" (easier than saying daddy and/or mommy - she's tricky) gets her out.

yesterday Dave called me at work to tell me that while sleeping with his face on the edge of the bed he had the urge to open an eye.

there is our adorable daughter who then yelled "i did it!"

yes, yes she did and has continued to since.

(no pictures, no - my camera is a decroded piece of crap that i'm not talking to at this moment)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

pig: memory eraser voodoo

what the heck, i totally don't remember this first trimester crap! i mean, i guess i know i did, but some how it was erased from my brain. this motherhood stuff is a lot like men in black (you do see the little floating alien to the right, right?)
every waking moment sucks. just plain sucks. it's like nausea and exhaustion have taken over my body and are just having the time of their lives. was it this bad before??? i know i took a bunch of different vitamins and something at night to help, as well as motion sickness wristbands (NOT HOT) which i wore (and now wearing) for the first three months.

i've heard countless women say that after the baby is born we just forget all the bad stuff. well that sounds like a load of crap, but i'm here to tell you it's true. Not 2 minutes after Jocie was born i was ready to get pregnant again on the spot and do it again.

WHAT? that's insane.

maybe it's like when you finish a marathon and getting past the finish line is just worth all the work to get there? or maybe it was the dozen or so people and the video camera looking at my used to be private parts telling me to push and what a good job i was doing that just went to my head. whatever the reason, how can you block out so much misery??

i don't know. it's like black magic, or voodoo, or just men in black brain erasers - whatever "it" is though "it" gets full credit for this world's population.

who would have more than one child if you did remember all the bad as much as the good?

i should wrap this up with a nice bow and a happy ending. ok, um... well, the dentist says i will probably get pregnancy gingivitis again. (sorry i got nothing, check back in march)

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

happy new year

"As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?"

name that movie:

ps. on a positive note, i did take a shower yesterday before the strike of midnight! if you aren't giving me full credit for that act, you either give me too much credit or not enough. i don't know because i just talked myself into a circle.