curt, you are an

too witty or snarky???

You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

nothing, absolutely nothing

a few things have been brought to my attention.

1. i have become debbie downer. "i'm scared to even check your blog because it's so depressing" is i believe what curt said.






2. my fans have missed me, and are thus worried that i have taken a "72 hour britney vacation".

let me reassure curt, that yes i will continue to blog as my mood allows. i know that my mix of meds and pregnancy will someday in the future work for the betterment of society. unfortunately that time is not here yet.

she looks so happy, i'm jeaslous inside

my dearest fans that worship (fear) my every move,

i won't lie, britney's actions have had some impact on me. although i am not in a state to enjoy the true value of Cheetos right now, have never smoked, drank coffee, or currently behind on my trailer park lot dues; i still feel i can relate with Ms. Spears.

lets cut the crap, she is imbalanced. i know the feeling.

but where we differ is: a 72 hour stay at a clean, supervised, food serving, toilet cleaning, non showering facility away from the kids? what the heck, how can you look that gift horse in the mouth? granted, if dr. phil walked into my hospital room a light would go on above my head "i'm either being punked, or my life may not be in a good place", either way i would send dr. whore out the door with a few words that would actually get me MORE TIME in this recreational get away.

why in the world am i talking about this? i will tell you, it's all i got without talking about nausea, lack of sleep, nausea, my kids relentless poopy diapers, abdomen tightness , pain-acidic hunger, and PREGNANCY BRAIN.

pregnancy brain is real: the parasite living inside you actually starts feeding off, not only the little information you had stored between your ears, but also sucks anything funny, sarcastic, witty and most of all snarky. gone, into my uterus. now tell me, what is this baby going to do with my google password and home phone number?

did i mention this parasite is the size of a grain of rice.

in closing let me say, Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

p.i.g. - crap and derivatives thereof

WARNING: due to the word "crap" (which is illegal in most my readers households) this post is rated PG-13 minus 5 - so basically only for the 8 and up crowd:

(fill in your derivative here, whatever floats your ... well you know),

wikipedia states: Crap is a slang word meaning excrement. The word is used to mean not only excrement, but anything of low quality, or as a negative interjection. Note that this word can be considered a curse word, yet is considered mild enough that even a child may use it informally but some still might consider it to be minor profanity.
When not used literally it also may connote that something is inaccurate, of little factual substance, a lie, hype, or quackery. The word is used nearly interchangeably with "the s word" as the less offensive of the two. Still, some people find the word crap offensive, even if not intended to mean feces, and will use the minced oath "crud" instead.

today i made the statement "i feel like crap".

yes that's what this all stems from, also when i'm pregnant the act is nearly impossible -you start to see the irony.

so when you say "i feel like crap", does that mean:

you are squishy? stinky? hard to get out? free flowin? filled with corn? (sorry did i go too far?- i don't care because my 10 year old readers are snickering and think i'm cool)

or does "feeling like crap" mean the personal self esteem of said fecal matter. does crap not feel good about itself? does it think it lowly, or flushable?

if it is true that crap does have low self esteem i would like to go on record as being a fan. i mean i don't LIKE to change my kids diapers, but hey still, good job. i'm not gonna lie and say i haven't sent a picture message on my phone of a certain nephew who really impressed me with his abilities.

better out than in, isn't that what they say?

there is some poop to ponder on, and comment if you feel the vibe!

good luck to all my readers, that they may only feel like crap in the best sense of the word and always move regularly with the flow.

pig: thursday's suggestion

thanks to my girl friday, Ashley, i did not have to go into work today! a million thanks to her!

so what did i do in our dirty house that is still decorated for christmas and looks like a halfway house for the homeless? glad you asked: i stayed in bed. i did get up for an hour and made breakfast, then when my wonderful husband suggested i had time to maybe take a shower..... i let him know there was only one thing i could do. go back to bed.

then at 3 when i heard the "nap fight" taking on a life of it's own, i got up to help lay down the law. kid down, checked email, read blogs =45 min. and again my adoring husband asks if i would like him to make me a bath?? (btw: he makes the best baths in the whole world!) my face goes pale and let him down by heading off to bed again.

i awake to dinner beeps and buzzers, well i should check this out. dinner is served, even the princess is eating - amazing! i finish and head to the closest recliner, again there is a bath offer. i literally can't get up. we watched "surf's up" and both us girls cuddled on daddy (he probably had to hold his breath), one of us hasn't showered since last year and the other had a poopy diaper that she swore she didn't. poor poor daddy.

princess in bed, whew. dave takes further discussion to the bathroom. i lay on bathroom floor, it is then again suggested that maybe i should take a shower, i concede.

i write to you as a clean and showered person. can i just say DANG- i forgot about the clumps of hair that fall out during pregnancy when you wash your hair.

"i did it"

(cute things kids say post/closest thing to a baby book anyone is getting - you know what this was originally intended for)

as i posted on Christmas eve, Jojo is now in a big girl bed. the beauty of it, she didn't know she had the option of getting out of said bed. she normally just yells till "dammy" (easier than saying daddy and/or mommy - she's tricky) gets her out.

yesterday Dave called me at work to tell me that while sleeping with his face on the edge of the bed he had the urge to open an eye.

there is our adorable daughter who then yelled "i did it!"

yes, yes she did and has continued to since.

(no pictures, no - my camera is a decroded piece of crap that i'm not talking to at this moment)

pig: memory eraser voodoo

what the heck, i totally don't remember this first trimester crap! i mean, i guess i know i did, but some how it was erased from my brain. this motherhood stuff is a lot like men in black (you do see the little floating alien to the right, right?)
every waking moment sucks. just plain sucks. it's like nausea and exhaustion have taken over my body and are just having the time of their lives. was it this bad before??? i know i took a bunch of different vitamins and something at night to help, as well as motion sickness wristbands (NOT HOT) which i wore (and now wearing) for the first three months.

i've heard countless women say that after the baby is born we just forget all the bad stuff. well that sounds like a load of crap, but i'm here to tell you it's true. Not 2 minutes after Jocie was born i was ready to get pregnant again on the spot and do it again.

WHAT? that's insane.

maybe it's like when you finish a marathon and getting past the finish line is just worth all the work to get there? or maybe it was the dozen or so people and the video camera looking at my used to be private parts telling me to push and what a good job i was doing that just went to my head. whatever the reason, how can you block out so much misery??

i don't know. it's like black magic, or voodoo, or just men in black brain erasers - whatever "it" is though "it" gets full credit for this world's population.

who would have more than one child if you did remember all the bad as much as the good?

i should wrap this up with a nice bow and a happy ending. ok, um... well, the dentist says i will probably get pregnancy gingivitis again. (sorry i got nothing, check back in march)

happy new year

"As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?"

name that movie:

ps. on a positive note, i did take a shower yesterday before the strike of midnight! if you aren't giving me full credit for that act, you either give me too much credit or not enough. i don't know because i just talked myself into a circle.